A brief essay on coming out

1. Stand fast therefore in the liberty by which Christ has made us free, and do not be entangled again with a yoke of bondage. (Galatians 5:1 NKJV)

   I spent half a lifetime hating myself, hiding in fear, losing friendships, girlfriends, and even a job once. I just got tired of it. I tired of hiding in my house waiting for the neighbors to go inside so I could go shopping. I got tired of people "loving" me on Monday, but despising me on Tuesday because I wore a dress Monday night. Really? Were my relationships really that shallow and fragile?

   
   

   A funny thing happened when I made the decision to love myself. I stopped hiding. I no longer lost relationships. I gained new ones; stronger ones. I had incredible experiences. I learned to love my life. Why did I wait so long?

Who's the Freak?

The following post is copied from a response I posted on a thread at crossdressers.com. The post detailed a sister's experience out in the world where she was called a freak.

1. Freak (noun): any abnormal phenomenon or product or unusual object; anomaly; aberration. 

   
   

   Well, according to the dictionary I would say: Yes, we are freaks. So what? By that definition a whole lot of folks are freaks, whether or not they wear clothing typically reserved for the opposite gender. 

   
   

   I think, however, you are not taking issue with the strict definition of the word, but rather the rude behavior. More specifically, why are people so unthinking in 2014. First of all, I see this kind of behavior as unacceptable, no matter what the year. I also find it curious why some people are fine with public boorish behavior. I often find myself wanting to have a serious conversation with them so I can better understand why they don't see their behavior in the same way most others do. 

   
   

   That issue aside, the general acceptance of Crossdressing is  a chicken or egg problem. We are seen as aberrations because WE ARE. aberrations. How many CDs does the average person see in their lifetimes? How many CDs are comfortable out of the closet?

   
   

   We can bemoan the unfairness of it all, but society doesn't move with the passage of time; change comes when what was once rare becomes common. The fact is that by being out and about and being called names you are doing more to "normalize" CDing than a thousand essays, laws, or peer pressure will ever do. Thank you!

   
   

   Please don't take this as a critique of our closet sisters. Coming out is fraught with risk and simply not for everyone. I'm just saying that the average person won't stop seeing as as "freaks" until, well, we are no longer freaks. The more husbands, fathers, sons, and brothers that are known to crossdress the less we will be seen as aberrations. When that happens society will adapt; not before. 

Wish You Were Here

I was listening to old music a few days ago and came across a favorite I hadn't heard in awhile: "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. I had forgotten, but these lyrics actually played a huge role in my decision to come out of the closet. 

So, so you think you can tell

Heaven from Hell,

Blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field

From a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade

Your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

A walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl,

Year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

What have we found

The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

The whole song speaks to my feelings as a lifelong gender non-conforming individual, but it's the last four lines of the second verse that pushed me out of the closet for good. 

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

A walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

I was no longer willing to accept cold comfort in society. Not if it meant the death of my very being. And although I wasn't that keen on accepting a part in a war, I had grown weary of living in a cage. So I stepped out. Guess what? It was fine. No, "fine" isn't the right word; it was amazing! My wife, children, friends, and family have all been supportive to varying degrees, and for the first time in my life I was free to just be me. The only thing I regret is that took me 29 years to get there. What a waste.

To be clear, most people in my life, if asked, would say they just don't understand it. That's OK. I don't understand it myself. I don't expect people to like it, talk about, or embrace it. I just expect them to accept it as reality and realize that I don't need their approval to exist. 

It wasn't always like this. I started out deeply closeted. I've been outed and lost relationships and my livelihood. I've experienced loss, betrayal, and self-loathing. But I survived. More importantly I learned something very powerful: All of the pain was my fault. I chose the wrong woman to share my life with. I chose the wrong friends. I chose the wrong job. Oh, I loved all of it; everything that was my life. I didn't want to give up one tiny part of it. That's why I hid and feared it would all be lost one day. What a shameful way to treat the greatest of all: life. 

I sometimes wonder where I would be if everything hadn't been ripped away. I can never be sure, of course, but I do know I wouldn't be here and "here" is the best place I have ever been.

To tell, or not to tell

I recently joined a Cross Dressing forum. I should say I re-joined the forum, but it has been many years since I was active. Guess what? It hasn't changed. It's the same questions, the same stories, the same arguing, the same...everything.

Does it sound elitist to say that I find much of what I read in our community to be boring, sad, and just plain wrong? To answer my own question: "Yes. It does sound elitist." Honestly, I'm not a snob, but of course that's just what a snob would say. Anyway, that's a topic for another day. What I want to talk about today is the subject of coming out to our spouses. I came across a favorite topic today in the aforementioned forum: Should I tell my wife? What follows is my response. My apologies for just copying and pasting instead of making a proper blog, but I'm lazy. Would a snob admit that?

I am firmly in the "tell" camp. I say this as someone who has experienced the ugliness that can follow revealing I am a cross dresser. I say this with full knowledge that cross dressing leads to divorce in many, perhaps even the majority, of cases. If that's the result I would not assume there had to be other causes, I would assume that you married the wrong person. You are a cross dresser; she couldn't stay married to a cross dresser.

I find the notion that it is OK to keep secrets from our spouses to be very troubling. OK for who?  Obviously it's great for us; probably not so great for our spouse, though. When we keep this a lifelong secret we rob our spouses of the opportunity to make fully informed decisions about their own lives.

Please don't mistake that statement for lack of empathy. I absolutely 100% understand the desire to keep this secret from the world. I've been there, done that, and have the scars that come from being discovered. I suppose one could even justify keeping the secret if their cross dressing activities are strictly limited to times when their spouse is absent AND that the activities have 0% impact on the spouse.

Is that possible, though? Do we impact our spouses by borrowing their clothes? What about spending family resources on our own stuff? Fantasizing about experiencing sex from a woman's perspective? Getting grumpy because our spouse won't leave the house long enough for us to dress?

We want the same things others want: a loving relationship, a stable income, friends, etc. None of us intend for our desires to impact others, but what happens when they do? You shared that a previous relationship ended, at least in part, due to cross dressing. You assumed (and we all identify with this) that you could control this desire. Now you've discovered, like most of us do, that you can't. The problem is that you told your current wife this was no longer an issue. I'm making an assumption here, but based on what you shared cross dressing appears to be more than a rare indulgence for you. What will the consequences be if your spouse discovers your secret? How likely is it that you will be able to maintain the secret?

Every single member of this forum knows the pain of keeping this secret. Each of us has to wrestle with the question of whether to stay or leave the closet. I'm so very grateful that we can gather together to support one another. But, please, let's not make the mistake of promoting keeping secrets as the recipe for a perfect marriage. We may very well have a perfect marriage, but until our spouse knows what we know all we really have is the illusion of perfection. Maybe that illusion is enough for you, and that's fine, for you. But, our partners absolutely have the right to make that decision for themselves.

And yes, if your marriage ends those urging you to come clean won't be there for you - at least not in the way an actual real life friend can be. We will tell you, however, that it is possible to survive and even thrive. We will tell you that it is possible to have a great relationship based on mutual compromise and respect. And we will tell you we understand and will continue to offer an ear or a shoulder to cry on no matter which way you decide.

The Strange Life of a Cross Dresser

I'm writing this entry from my phone while I get a pedicure. My wife and I are traveling next week so this weekend was for pampering: manicure and hair for Tonya; pedicure for me. The owners of our favorite salon are an awesome husband and wife team. The husband always does my pedicure and the wife does Tonya's nails. It's a challenge to understand them sometimes, but they are lovely people and have become very talkative of late. They alway's ask about her "friend" when I don't accompany her.

I've been thinking about this situation, and others like it, quite a bit recently. There are times that I think it would be awesome to be a cross dresser ambassador to the public. Anytime the situation has arisen it has had a positive outcome and been fun. I vastly prefer stealth, though. I don't want people to know I'm a guy in a dress. If it happens I am generally not too bothered and actually enjoy the inevitable flood of questions. Deep down, though, it's a bit deflating to the ego and is in opposition to how I see my dual gender. 

The problem is that if stealth is my preferred mode, then how do I handle it when people ask how Tonya and I know each other? Sometimes people assume we are sisters; other times they assume we are friends or in-laws. Generally we just go with their initial assumption. But after awhile we forget the relationship each group knows and confusion sets in. As I sit here receiving a heavenly massage, the owner is chatting up a storm. It feels odd to be deceiving him and I feel a loss in not being able to share the wonderful relationship Tonya and Charlie have. Instead I'm trying to remember how he thinks Tonya and Jocelyn know each other.

It's not just the nail salon, either; I spend a lot if time en femme just living life, running errands, etc. There are so many places that I frequent both as Charlie and Jocelyn that I'm shocked the two worlds don't collide more often. Right now I'm sitting in a hair salon while Tonya gets a haircut. I've been here many times as Charlie. How do they not recognize Jocelyn is Charlie? Tonya is talking about our upcoming trip. She's talking about me, but not the me sitting here with her right now. It's an odd feeling, but I suppose par for the crossdressing course.

Still Alive

It's hard to believe half a year has passed since I last posted. Why do so many people start and fail to keep up with blogs? I guess I could resort to the old, "I've been busy" excuse, and that's not entirely untrue. However, I think the real reason is I just haven't felt like I had a whole lot of worthwhile content to contribute to the trans* world. I've recently had a bit of downtime that allowed me to reconnect with some trans-focused blogs/forums and it's given me a bit of a different perspective, so I am once again inspired to write. I've also realized that perhaps the whole point of this blog isn't so much for others, but maybe it's a little more inwardly focused; something of a diary that I will find value in down the road.

So, what have I been up to the past 6 months? Well, my wife and I started our new positions and it has been a dream come true. We work for a Fortune 500 company and our job is to help transform the customer experience. We travel 3-weeks out of the month and provide an intense training experience for groups ranging from 15 to 180 people. Cliche though it may be, I can't believe I get to do this AND get paid. Our first trip took us from sunny, 70 degree Las Vegas to snowy, 9 degree East Providence, RI. We've also visited such exotic locations as Richmond, VA; Buffalo, NY; and Greensboro, NC.

Traveling around the country is very interesting for people lovers such as my wife and I. Attitudes, modes of dress, and general happiness are very distinct by region. Sometimes it can be a bit disorienting and though I spent most of my life living in the Northeast, two years of desert living have spoiled me when it comes to weather. I am NOT a fan of snow, but when that finally gave way to Spring and Summer we got a quick reminder of the nastiness of pollen and humidity. The positives definitely outweigh any minor discomforts, though. We've had the opportunity to spend time with friends and family back East and we've been granted the privilege of positively impacting hundreds of lives. Oh, and shopping; don't forget shopping. I know I didn't. In fact, I've done so much shopping that we had to buy a new suitcase to shuttle it all back. Twice. It's made packing for our trips interesting to say the least.

Initially I wasn't sure how crossdressing was going to fit into our trips. We stay in a hotel for 3-weeks at at a time which means we become well known by the staff. In addition other team members stay at the same locations. We solved the dilemma the same way we always do: We simply go about our business and hotel staff and team members can think what they want. Everything has worked out fine.

We've been back in Las Vegas for two weeks and our next trip is at the end of the month. It has been so nice being home for an extended period. Since January we have only been home 4-5 days before heading back out. I was actually starting to feel like a visitor in my own home. I even briefly forgot where the light switch was in our kitchen! Mostly I enjoy the familiarity. Over the 4th of July weekend I was able to spend 3-glorious days as Jocelyn just going about my daily routine of errands, grocery shopping, cooking, etc. Of course, I had the opportunity to do a little clothes shopping; this time with a twist: Jocelyn went shopping for Charlie. I don't know why, but that seems so funny to me. 

Well, that's it for now. Hopefully another 6 months won't pass before another post.

Live your life with love, honor, and authenticity.

Jocelyn

Where the spirit of The Lord is, there is freedom

I suppose it's past time to address the elephant in the room: How do I justify being a Christian CD? The answer is simply that I don't; only God can justify.

Over time my feelings towards my gender presentation have been a rollercoaster ride. As a child I was ecstatic: female clothing - the styles, fabrics, and colors - possess an aesthetic that represent perfection to my eyes. The feminine form, to me, is the most beautiful of all of God's creations.

As I moved into my teen years this desire took on a dark side. It wasn't just the introduction of a sexual component; it was also the realization that something that had always seemed to be perfect was now somehow twisted and wrong.

As the years go by these feelings only intensify and you become an expert at lying to yourself and hiding the truth from everyone around you. What do you do when the very core of your existence is a source of shame? You push it down and it slithers back. You push harder and try desperately to replace the loss of self with something, anything else. Along the way you continue to live life and grow: you marry, have children, and start a career. The more things you accummulate the more things you have to lose if the secret ever comes bubbling back up.

One of the greatest moments in my life was the day my wife discovered my secret and was accepting. Finally I could let go of the shame and bask in the freedom of just being me. It changed everything and I vowed that I would never again live a life of shame or denial of truth.

Then I read Deuteronomy 22:5 and it all came crashing down:

A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the Lord your God. (Deuteronomy 22:5 NKJV)

An abomination? Well, this is certainly much worse than any sense of shame or guilt I experienced before. Years of self-loathing; erased by a simple act of love; brought back in instant, with the reading of one sentence.

Of course I immediately set upon a course to rid myself of these feelings once and for all. Push it down, push it down. Pray for healing, pray for healing. Years go by and the feeling remains; buried deep, but always lurking under the surface, like a diabolical snare, waiting for me to trip.

Over time my faith waned. Oh, on the surface it seemed strong: I still attended church; I still read The Bible. But deep down I no longer felt God's presence. I could no longer commune with Him. I could no longer go to Him in times of trouble and strife. This became my hell on earth and was far worse than any feeeling of shame or guilt I had felt before.

There's more to this story, of course, much more. But for now I will simply say that I am tired of the fight. It is too big for me. I long to live a life of truth and so I turn back to God and relinquish this burden to Him.

For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. (Colossians 1:16 NKJV)

Was I created like this? I can't say with 100% certainty, but I can say that my gender variance is a part of me in a way that I have never been able to successfully will away or pray away. At this point in my life I have a very simple choice: I can continue to fight and isolate myself or I can joyfully embrace the gift of my life and allow God to use me for His glory. I choose life.