Wish You Were Here

I was listening to old music a few days ago and came across a favorite I hadn't heard in awhile: "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd. I had forgotten, but these lyrics actually played a huge role in my decision to come out of the closet. 

So, so you think you can tell

Heaven from Hell,

Blue skies from pain.

Can you tell a green field

From a cold steel rail?

A smile from a veil?

Do you think you can tell?

Did they get you to trade

Your heroes for ghosts?

Hot ashes for trees?

Hot air for a cool breeze?

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

A walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.

We're just two lost souls

Swimming in a fish bowl,

Year after year,

Running over the same old ground.

What have we found

The same old fears.

Wish you were here.

The whole song speaks to my feelings as a lifelong gender non-conforming individual, but it's the last four lines of the second verse that pushed me out of the closet for good. 

Cold comfort for change?

And did you exchange

A walk on part in the war

For a lead role in a cage?

I was no longer willing to accept cold comfort in society. Not if it meant the death of my very being. And although I wasn't that keen on accepting a part in a war, I had grown weary of living in a cage. So I stepped out. Guess what? It was fine. No, "fine" isn't the right word; it was amazing! My wife, children, friends, and family have all been supportive to varying degrees, and for the first time in my life I was free to just be me. The only thing I regret is that took me 29 years to get there. What a waste.

To be clear, most people in my life, if asked, would say they just don't understand it. That's OK. I don't understand it myself. I don't expect people to like it, talk about, or embrace it. I just expect them to accept it as reality and realize that I don't need their approval to exist. 

It wasn't always like this. I started out deeply closeted. I've been outed and lost relationships and my livelihood. I've experienced loss, betrayal, and self-loathing. But I survived. More importantly I learned something very powerful: All of the pain was my fault. I chose the wrong woman to share my life with. I chose the wrong friends. I chose the wrong job. Oh, I loved all of it; everything that was my life. I didn't want to give up one tiny part of it. That's why I hid and feared it would all be lost one day. What a shameful way to treat the greatest of all: life. 

I sometimes wonder where I would be if everything hadn't been ripped away. I can never be sure, of course, but I do know I wouldn't be here and "here" is the best place I have ever been.