Crossdressing as a mask

Do you ever get tired of questioning yourself? I know I do. Many years ago I decided that the constant barrage of questions in my head were not only not helping; they were making me unhappy. So, I decided simple acceptance was the best response. And it worked; for awhile. During the work week I am Charlie and on my days off I am Jocelyn - simple, safe, and comforting.

But you know the t-life seems to be one of constant escalation: First it's just panties and stockings, then makeup and wig, then full-on dress outside the house. Is the ultimate culmination always transition, or at least thoughts of transition?

I'm not sure of exactly when these thoughts started building in my mind, but they have gained prominence in the last year. I'm sure that some of it is related to life changes. Our children are adults and we've moved to the other side of the country. Perhaps with decreased family responsibilities it's begun to feel safer, or more appropriate to think a little more selfishly. The big question is: Do these thoughts really represent an escalation or were they always there?

I remember the first time I discovered there were others like me on the Internet. What a revelation! I was not the only one in the world with these thoughts. Maybe I wasn't so strange after all. And with this revelation came a measure of acceptance and an escalation in what could be possible. But this revelation has a dark side as well: Spending too much time with T-blogs can sometimes become a bit of an echo chamber. There is a very real danger that we will simply hear what we want to hear and go deeper down the rabbit hole without even realizing why.

Why? That's the real question, isn't it? Why do these feelings exist? Why do they persist? What do I get out of this?

I find it difficult to putt into words, but "being" a woman is just more "fun'. God, is that a shallow as it sounds? Yeah, it probably is. Crap.

It's just that women's clothes feel better, they look better, they are way more stylish and varied. Makeup and painted nails are fun, and dare I say it, sexy! It's boring being a man. It's also tiring. Men are expected to be and act a "certain way" and there is a price to pay for those who diverge from the "agreed upon" standards. All of us understand what it's like to not quite fit in with the guys around us, but is crossdressing the only response? Can't I just be a man that is just a bit different?

For me the answer is a definite "Maybe". Charlie has an androgynous hairstyle, long nails painted with a clear coat, and thin eyebrows. I'm comfortable with this, but not comfortable with the "just being a man" part. I still crave the Jocelyn side as well. And for me, the Jocelyn side is all woman. I am definitely not comfortable being seen as a "guy in a dress" or, to be honest, even just as a crossdresser. When I am out as Jocelyn I want to be seen as a woman.

I love going out as Jocelyn. I love the attention that never comes to Charlie. I love the way women talk to other women; so much better than the way men talk to other men. And I love the way spending time on both sides of the gender fence gives me deeper insights into human nature.

Years ago I stopped wearing wigs. Going with my natural hair is way less work and much cooler, but also means Jocelyn and Charlie really don''t look all that different. It's funny, but I easily pass as a woman 99.9% of the time. I've always been a bit puzzled by this, though. My wife and I are a fairly unique couple: We're nearly identical in size, have similar hairstyles, are a mixed-race couple, and we are always together. Yet, people that have known us for years have bumped into us out and about when I was dressed and asked Tonya where Charlie was. Were they just being polite or did they really not know?

I've finally realized what it is: people simply don't pay that much attention to their surroundings. People see a short, petite figure and their brain says, "female". People see eyeshadow and lipstick and their brain says, "female".  And that's great, I suppose. But is all this just a mask?

I was walking through a store the other and took notice of two little girls around the age of 5 or 6. Suddenly it hit me that I have no idea what their lives are like now or what their lives would be like growing up as girls. I have never had and never will have the experience of "being" a girl. Is their experience even appreciably different than mine?

So, I ask again: Is this all just a mask? I thought I had this figured out. Or, at least I thought I had come to terms with the fact it was OK if I didn't have it all figured out. Now, all these new questions are swirling around in my head and it really sucks.

I took a walk this morning to clear my head and right as I was returning home "Big Eyed Fish" by The Dave Matthews Band popped up on my playlist. The lyrics seem pretty apropos today.

Look at this big eyed fish swimming in the seaOh how it dreams he wants to be a bird, swoopin', divin’ through the breezeOne day, caught a big old wave up on to the beach, now he's dead you see,Beneath the sea is where a fish should be But oh god under the weight of life Things seem brighter on the other side