Happy New Year. I'm an autogynephilic transsexual.

Well, that didn't take long. This blog was started as a personal thought experiment. I hoped that by typing out my thoughts I could gain some insight into my place in the world and where I see myself going in the future. I'm not sure I had a specific timetable in mind, but I expected the self-discovery phase to last more than a week! Too bad I didn't read this piece by Anne Lawrence earlier; I could have saved myself some wondering.

Autogynephilia? Ewww.

I loathe the alphabet soup of terminology that so dominates our conversations on gender. While categorizing behavior may have benefits from a clinical perspective, on blogs and forums across the Web terms like TG, TS, and CD are too often used as a cudgel to assert the superiority of one's own behavior over a fellow traveller. I'm sorry,  but your life story is no more valid than mine simply because you claim our motivations for wearing a dress differ.

I've been away from gender-related discussions for quite some time, so my first exposure to the term "autogynephilia" came recently on Jack Molay's excellent blog, Crossdreamers.

Autogynephilia is a controversial topic and charged with emotion. For a few weeks I didn't put much thought into it because: Hey. I don't have a fetish. I'm not weird; I just like to wear a dress. But this morning I came across Anne Lawrence's take and it just clicked: She described me to a "T" (pardon the pun).

Changes in desire

I suspect my recently renewed interest in exploring gender in my own life has been prompted by the slow, creeping realization that my desires have changed.  I have lived a happy crossdressing life the past 17 years. The desire ebbs and flows, sometimes disappearing for months at a time, but it never disappears completely. When the desire is at its peak I generally live and work 5 days a week as a male and my 2 days off as a female, with the random girl's night out. Lately I have found myself wondering what it would be like if that ratio swapped. As I get older the idea of living my life primarily (or even exclusively) as a woman is gaining more appeal.

Change in desire or change in possibilities?

The old joke: "What the difference between and CD and a TS? Two years." is particularly apropos for me. If I am to be honest, this idea isn't really new to me. If I had the courage, the knowledge of gender issues, and the support system I have now I very likely would have chosen a different path those many years ago. This isn't so much a change as it is a new possibility.

For many years I chose to suppress this desire because of shame. Then I chose to suppress because I wanted my children to have a father. Now I choose to suppress because I want my wife to have a husband. But what if she was OK with having a girlfriend? Hmm. One question answered; thousands more to go.