New year. New questions.

I've never been one to make New Year's resolutions, but this year I've resolved to  reexamine my gender expression. I can't think of a better way to start that process than spending the day in my (currently) preferred gender. There's something not quite right about that statement: I don't have a girl-mode and a guy-mode. I don't switch back-and-forth, or think differently based on the clothes I wear. I'm just me.

Learning about autogynephilia has answered so many questions for me. I have never "felt like a woman". Frankly, I really don't even know what that means. What does a woman "feel" like anyway? But, if I have never felt that I was born in the wrong body, why do I have the desire to dress as one?

Thirty years ago the answer would have been mostly based on eroticism; today not so much. If I had to choose just one thing as a primary motivator I would say it is beauty. I find women's bodies to be stunningly beautiful while men's bodies seem clumsy in comparison. Women's clothing - shoes, fabrics, colors, styles, etc. - are so much more varied and appealing. The artistry of makeup is wonderful in its ability to enhance and change one's appearance. These are the components that lead to the desire to crossdress. I understand them. What I have been a bit unsure of recently is my increasing preoccupation with the idea of changing my body.

Throughout my life I have almost always been the shortest person in the room. I stopped growing in the 7th grade, topping out at 5'4". Despite my short stature I was exceptionally athletic and loved playing sports. In many ways I was the typical boy: playing sports, wrestling in the mud, and riding off-road motorcycles. I was atypical in many ways as well. I never really participated in such typical male bonding rituals such as punching each other to see who would flinch, or bragging about sexual conquests. And I never thought my disinterest in typical male rituals made me less masculine.

As an adult I have enjoyed the male role in relationships with women and I absolutely have relished every moment of being a father. The last 23-years of my life have been lived as a husband and a father and I wouldn't have wanted it to be any other way.

Today things are a bit different. I find myself considering taking steps to acquire feminine breasts/hips and rid myself of unwanted hair. And, rather than eroticism, the desire seems to be rooted in the simple fact that these things would make my presentation as female much easier and more realistic.

The biggest question I find myself facing is why do I want to take things further? I have so many crossdressing blessings. I am 5'4" tall and weigh 110 pounds. My wife is exceptionally supportive and happily goes out with me as her female friend. We are the same size so we don't have the extra expense of maintaining a second wardrobe. All my friends and family are supportive and I am easily accepted as female by the general public as I go about my daily business. So why mess with success?

I've been pondering these questions for a few months now. I still don't have all the answers, but I don't have to in order to enjoy the first day of 2014 out and about dressed as a woman. I just wish it didn't require nearly an hour of shaving, extra makeup to hide beard shadow, and extra padding to properly fill out my clothes.

Happy New Year. I'm an autogynephilic transsexual.

Well, that didn't take long. This blog was started as a personal thought experiment. I hoped that by typing out my thoughts I could gain some insight into my place in the world and where I see myself going in the future. I'm not sure I had a specific timetable in mind, but I expected the self-discovery phase to last more than a week! Too bad I didn't read this piece by Anne Lawrence earlier; I could have saved myself some wondering.

Autogynephilia? Ewww.

I loathe the alphabet soup of terminology that so dominates our conversations on gender. While categorizing behavior may have benefits from a clinical perspective, on blogs and forums across the Web terms like TG, TS, and CD are too often used as a cudgel to assert the superiority of one's own behavior over a fellow traveller. I'm sorry,  but your life story is no more valid than mine simply because you claim our motivations for wearing a dress differ.

I've been away from gender-related discussions for quite some time, so my first exposure to the term "autogynephilia" came recently on Jack Molay's excellent blog, Crossdreamers.

Autogynephilia is a controversial topic and charged with emotion. For a few weeks I didn't put much thought into it because: Hey. I don't have a fetish. I'm not weird; I just like to wear a dress. But this morning I came across Anne Lawrence's take and it just clicked: She described me to a "T" (pardon the pun).

Changes in desire

I suspect my recently renewed interest in exploring gender in my own life has been prompted by the slow, creeping realization that my desires have changed.  I have lived a happy crossdressing life the past 17 years. The desire ebbs and flows, sometimes disappearing for months at a time, but it never disappears completely. When the desire is at its peak I generally live and work 5 days a week as a male and my 2 days off as a female, with the random girl's night out. Lately I have found myself wondering what it would be like if that ratio swapped. As I get older the idea of living my life primarily (or even exclusively) as a woman is gaining more appeal.

Change in desire or change in possibilities?

The old joke: "What the difference between and CD and a TS? Two years." is particularly apropos for me. If I am to be honest, this idea isn't really new to me. If I had the courage, the knowledge of gender issues, and the support system I have now I very likely would have chosen a different path those many years ago. This isn't so much a change as it is a new possibility.

For many years I chose to suppress this desire because of shame. Then I chose to suppress because I wanted my children to have a father. Now I choose to suppress because I want my wife to have a husband. But what if she was OK with having a girlfriend? Hmm. One question answered; thousands more to go.