Where the spirit of The Lord is, there is freedom

I suppose it's past time to address the elephant in the room: How do I justify being a Christian CD? The answer is simply that I don't; only God can justify.

Over time my feelings towards my gender presentation have been a rollercoaster ride. As a child I was ecstatic: female clothing - the styles, fabrics, and colors - possess an aesthetic that represent perfection to my eyes. The feminine form, to me, is the most beautiful of all of God's creations.

As I moved into my teen years this desire took on a dark side. It wasn't just the introduction of a sexual component; it was also the realization that something that had always seemed to be perfect was now somehow twisted and wrong.

As the years go by these feelings only intensify and you become an expert at lying to yourself and hiding the truth from everyone around you. What do you do when the very core of your existence is a source of shame? You push it down and it slithers back. You push harder and try desperately to replace the loss of self with something, anything else. Along the way you continue to live life and grow: you marry, have children, and start a career. The more things you accummulate the more things you have to lose if the secret ever comes bubbling back up.

One of the greatest moments in my life was the day my wife discovered my secret and was accepting. Finally I could let go of the shame and bask in the freedom of just being me. It changed everything and I vowed that I would never again live a life of shame or denial of truth.

Then I read Deuteronomy 22:5 and it all came crashing down:

A woman shall not wear anything that pertains to a man, nor shall a man put on a woman’s garment, for all who do so are an abomination to the Lord your God. (Deuteronomy 22:5 NKJV)

An abomination? Well, this is certainly much worse than any sense of shame or guilt I experienced before. Years of self-loathing; erased by a simple act of love; brought back in instant, with the reading of one sentence.

Of course I immediately set upon a course to rid myself of these feelings once and for all. Push it down, push it down. Pray for healing, pray for healing. Years go by and the feeling remains; buried deep, but always lurking under the surface, like a diabolical snare, waiting for me to trip.

Over time my faith waned. Oh, on the surface it seemed strong: I still attended church; I still read The Bible. But deep down I no longer felt God's presence. I could no longer commune with Him. I could no longer go to Him in times of trouble and strife. This became my hell on earth and was far worse than any feeeling of shame or guilt I had felt before.

There's more to this story, of course, much more. But for now I will simply say that I am tired of the fight. It is too big for me. I long to live a life of truth and so I turn back to God and relinquish this burden to Him.

For by Him all things were created that are in heaven and that are on earth, visible and invisible, whether thrones or dominions or principalities or powers. All things were created through Him and for Him. (Colossians 1:16 NKJV)

Was I created like this? I can't say with 100% certainty, but I can say that my gender variance is a part of me in a way that I have never been able to successfully will away or pray away. At this point in my life I have a very simple choice: I can continue to fight and isolate myself or I can joyfully embrace the gift of my life and allow God to use me for His glory. I choose life.