"Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free." (John 8:32 NKJV)

Though finding acceptance in my wife's eyes removed a huge weight from my shoulders, it hardly meant the end of my (now our) struggle. We still had to consider the reaction of the entire rest of the world, most importantly our children, family, and friends. We decided to attack this problem the same way we approach every question in our lives: by seeking and accepting the truth.

This truth business is not easy. Truth can be elusive and destructive. My "version" of truth may differ from yours. Worst yet, I may be blind to the truth. This last point is particularly vexing. So many things can skew our perception of the truth. Our experiences, desires, age, and a host of other influences all affect what we perceive to be the truth.

My personal belief system holds that God serves as the single source of universal truth. Because there is one source of truth, the truth can become known to us. There is no gray; only black and white, right and wrong. This belief system in no way implies I have all the answers. Witness the number of years I have struggled with the basic questions of why I have these feelings, are they innate, or even if they are "right". What makes seeking the truth work for me is a desire to seek it with all my heart and mind plus a willingness to accept the consequences and living the truth and, yes, changing my mind when I find I am in error.

I've been back and forth on these questions many times over the years. I've prayed, I've meditated, I've read of other people's experiences, and I have read scientific literature. No matter what I do or how many times I have changed my mind I always end up back at the simple truth that I am a CD, God loves me, and my wife loves me. All things considered, that is not a bad place to start from.

So where does that leave friends, family, my employer, and the world at large? Well, no matter how much I may wish for acceptance from others, it is not in my power to control. They will accept me or they will not. I choose to live my life in a way that reflects the truth that I am different. It is within their rights to view that however they may, but is not within their rights to choose my life for me. It is within their power to withhold affection, love, respect, and job advancement, but it is up to me how I will react. In choosing to live by the truth that I am a CD I am also choosing to accept the consequences of that truth.

How this played out in my real life is that Tonya and I chose to share my secret with immediate family and close friends, including our children. None of these people were asked to keep the secret to themselves and none were asked for their acceptance. Some asked lots of questions. Some said, "Well, that explains a few things." Some had little to say. No one said, "We disown you."

Now, the truth is that not everybody though it was the greatest thing on earth. Some family and friends think my predilection for wearing women's clothing is strange or sinful, and thats OK. I am not asking them to agree with my choices, but in order to remain a part of my life they must accept them.

I hope I don't come across as harsh, uncaring, or arrogant. I love the people in my life. They wouldn't be in my life if I did not love and respect them. But I spent a huge chunk of my life absolutely hating myself because of my CD desires. For many years I literally thought I was the only person on the face of the earth that had this desire. I could not develop a relationship with God because I was twisted. No one could ever love me because of this. The depth of loathing caused by being a CD is almost impossible to capture in words. The closest I've seen anyone come is the following lyrics from The Cure song, "Last Day of Summer":

Nothing I am

Nothing I dream

Nothing is new

Nothing I think or believe in or say

Nothing is true

All that I have

All that I hold

All that is wrong

All that I feel for or trust in or love

All that is gone

The truth is that I may be wrong about it being OK to be a CD. The truth is that I may lose people in my life, I may lose my job, or I may lose my home. Those things are temporary, though. They can be replaced and after you die they are meaningless. The one thing that endures is self. That's all that any of us really have. Now, go back and re-read those lyrics again. Imagine if that's how you viewed yourself. I may not know the truth of everything, but I do know it is true that I will never again view myself through those lyrics, and no one that truly loves me would ask me to.